She used to tell me, (when speaking of my husband), "I liked him, he never BOTHERED ME", and would praise him for leaving her alone, unlike her other children who " needed" her, as children DO. Not a very nice thing to do to someone you say you "love". He threatened to sue me and the doctor because the kid had to go temporarily on multiple antibiotics to help knock down the infections. Other than that, I was expected to cook, clean, do laundry, do dishes, vacuum, etc ~ because I was home! WebMy girlfriend thinks I don't care for her but I do she's been sick for the past two days and I been trying to be nice by doing mostly everything for her I have to walk her to the bathroom give her medicine wash dishes pick up her groceries try to cook even though I'm not that good at it I have to get the bathtub filled for her I try my best to Guy didnt wish me happy birthday am I wrong to be upset? Recallingthe time I told him I was really sick in the morning before swim workout and he told me I had to go anyway? Tell your spouse that although you The Empathy/Systemising Quotient deals with the degree of emotional engagement vs systemising - an analytical deconstruction of inputs and outputs. I do not think I will see a lasting change because myspousewith ADD is alwaysout for himself. When I had the flu really bad my kids did too and I still had to take care of everybody. I was out of character. I cam home ( after working out for an hour feeling worse ) and told my mom and she took my temperature and it was like 104 degrees!! I have no compassion in my heart for this and I have no means to find it or excuse this as anything more than totally Fucked Up Shit!!! She was in her second semester of college and was busy with school and work. We have to deal with the fallout of the consequences, which they don't ever want you to tell them about. I often hear that if a person wants to be with you, they will. If my husband had a stomach bug that lasted a few days and he didnt go to the doctor I would probably be like your wife too. They want something done and over with, right then. If you need help, I will cook dinner". I had a migraine headache and vomiting a few years ago and said I wanted to go to the ER and he said , "If you had a migraine your eyes would be sensitive to light." He was so sick he couldn't even think well enough to do his homework. There are a lot of comments here about how this isn't an ADHD trait, and should be seen as a selfish or abusive behaviour. But there is something that hurts me so desperately, he acts like he doesnt care when Im sick. Even says just because I am sick, he is not going to pet me. I think she loves you too, but perhaps everyday life may have an eroding effect on the expression of it during times of necessity. He literally goes deaf ears when I tell him Im sick. I will not beg for attention as I did in the past, crying because I was lonely. Submitted by dedelight4 on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 06:51. Submitted by tiredmomma1 on Fri, 04/07/2017 - 12:12. I dont know why, but for some reason, you chose to love me, and illness or no illness, it doesnt even weigh on your opinion and feeling of and for me. My husband believes he's Mr. Fix-It, and can fix anything. Well, then, I say. I see we are out of aspirin and ask him if he knows of any in the house. We've never broached this subject before and I'm worried about it ending up in a fight. A true and internal lack of gratitude for his own life that God has granted him, and gratitude for the lives that have been entrusted TO him, which is an honor and which is humbling for the soul who can SEE this fact. is already like this, it will only get worse. Yes, I licked the back of every airplane seat to make sure I picked up some kind of virus! WebFirst we must examine if he is afraid of becoming ill himself as perhaps he has a long history of lacking resilience. Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 17:29. Whenever I am sick, all I get from my husband is sorry. (I'm not sure if he came over on the Friday night from 9 pm to 8 am.). Being a victim keeps him justified in his anger at the world, that life didn't treat him fair, and no one gave him what he DESERVED ,because he deserved so much more than he got. She doesn't care that I am in pain because she feels my feelings are unfounded. Do you always expect your wife to cook everything? If there IS, it's usually in a complaint or verbal assault on someone or something, that irritated him, again, "at the moment". To live content with small means; to be worthy, not respectable; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, this is my symphony. And.as I have confirmed my father ( the Narc ) did this as well? Hearing him speak kindly of other folks, being gentler in his speech, since he KNOWS how unkind the world can be. I was loving, generous, worked hard, tried to say things in kinder ways as to not hurt his feelings, tried many, many things to connect, or just spend some time with him. When I was3 months pregnant, wetook a trip to Mexico. You might be thinking, wow, why be with someone like that? Yeah, I remember when she was sick and I was doing everything for her as I just let her rest. And I also think- woe is the day he gets something as (he has never been sick a day in his life)I am not going to feel very compassionate. Submitted by Resentful on Fri, 03/16/2018 - 09:54. Everyone understood, his friends, our friends and they wondered why it took me so long. My husband never realized what was happening right under his nose. Really? Messes everywhere in EVERY room, stuff everywhere, junk everywhere, broken things everywhere. His kids are always going to come before you. I could reclaim myself so to speak and put myself out there in the relationship but unless my H admits to the effects of adhd in the marriage and takes concrere steps tofix it, I don't expect another outcome. My memories hold no feelings of love because I am not experienceing them right now. Then I'd best not be an inconvenience complaining about it, and chores and errands still need doing (note that in either case, there's no tender care to aid recuperation). Hinting at your desires will most likely push her further away. There is a lot going on in that active brain and it takes a lot of inward attention to keep going. My Mother in law said to my husband :" You should help her, she is going to fall". It is a difficult way to have to be for someone whose nature isbenevolent and caring but it seems thesequalities are manipulated by the ADD spouse making the non spousefeel worthless. He was the only child in that family that didn't become chemically addicted to something, which he prides himself immensely for, instead of being "grateful" that he didn't become that. I am better than begging and I am tired of it. The whole thing is just very, very HARD. That's why the 'pursuit' or 'in your face' strategy that you are using fails. Make him whatever type of soup he wants, bring him medicine, rub his head etc. Sometimes, he can be vindictive in a passive way, like after I left him for that one month. It doesn't appear in any feeds, and anyone with a direct link to it will see a message like this one. But I havent been acting like it. So, does he want me around because he's afraid he's dying? I was treated for cancer a few years ago & this really threw things into sharp relief. Submitted by thparkle on Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:19. We had an argument this morning where he says I am always in pain, etc. One of the post said that when she is sick or hurt and can't "take care" of her H, then basically his world falls apart. (again, fear). There are times I still wonder how our husbands can continue to deny who they are, and why so MANY people, have difficulty with them. This is daunting to say the least. Can totally relate to your post. Not my H. He'd blow a gasket and likely also yell at me for ruining his life. All this crap about his kids "coming first" is just thatcrap. Wanting to CONNECT? ADHD, doesn't give you the liberty of that most of the time. Now I'm going to get sick! Blank and emotionless with no expression at all? Emotionless. The codependent wife moved back without his help and then he said he wasn't going back to therapy after one session. registered trademarks of Ziff Davis Canada, Inc. and may not be used by third parties without Once again I get "That's great! Jason and Maria want something entirely different out of the same marriage. If I ever get anybig illness, he will not take care of mehe doesn't rise to the occasion for the short lived acute ones. We can't FIX some of this stuff on our own. Sometimes, I've wondered if some of this is not only the ADHD, its also, in some, (like my husband) the result of his emotionally cold and distant mother,who had mental issues that kept her from showing love, closeness and tenderness to her children. "He worked all week ~ he's Tired and Deserves to Rest"!!! Then, why the * are they looking for a life partner in the first place?. A male. Im the one who is on disability and hasnt worked in two years. Even worse when these DisneyDaddys, lol are looking for a life partner, the first thing that they rub on your face is the: my kids come first b.s. And, to feel loved in return, you need to be sexual with each other. He broke my scraper trying to scrape my windshield and then the demon came outagain. So I had been barfing all day long.almost going to the hostpital and was sicker than I had ever been before or after except with Appendicitis as an adult. You are very caring and shower her with affection and loveYou respect her parents and treat them wellYou respect your wife and support her to achieve her dreamsYour presence makes her feel happy (because she loves you so much)She considers you as her soulmateShe feels safe and secure to be with youShe trust you so muchMore items I think many spouses with ADD are extremely selfish and will never realize that a healthy relationship requires compromise, compassion, and patience. But, he can't get past the victim hood yet.). He was disgusted. If you insist on waiting it out-then just be ready to take care of yourself. He got mad at me because I went to grab the phone charger in the wall and didn't see it was connected to his phone (I needed to have a phone with me if I had to drive myself to the hospital in the middle of the night), he snapped at me that I am always in pain and should rent a hotel room in the hospital, etc, etc, and threw a different charger at me. 2023 ZIFF DAVIS CANADA, INC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. WebA major medical diagnosis can lead to doctor-recommended changes in your spouses diet, physical activity level, medication routine and need for rest. But still, if I do get sick and need something, he's there, doing whatever. Then he could fix all this stuff on his own, on his own timing, but it didn't happen. Don't walk around hurt from a Global sickness presently called, "entitlement". If that's something that you can't handle, it's best to call it off. Run!!! Submitted by sickandtired on Fri, 12/11/2020 - 08:44. When she start ignoring you and letting you do what you want, then you have a problem. Yeah, he's not that thoughtful. I agree his kids should come first. But that was a lot of days for him to be unable to make any time for you. My hu He shows no concern for me - and this has to be narcissistic personality disorder. His answer was absolutely not. You go through all of this, the burden of having a partner with a chronic illness who is always sick, the worry when I dont text back for a while and you know Im home alone, the household chores I cant do, not because you dont care about my illness, but because you care about me. I felt so good in the beginning, the wanted to die from the guilt and then angry when I realized I was even more codependent with this guy. He made me pay that year for leaving. Iris is somewhat of a unicorn a zebra unicorn even! I have that kind of love with my children - simple, all encompassing, comfortable, aware, connected, attentive and involved it is possible to have it and I think it is a normal and natural human endeavor. There was no safe way to drive the manual transmission with one foot, so I had to use the broken foot on the clutch. After 2 years of therapy for myself, I am in a better place. Then there's talking, just plain having a conversation, without it being a type of lecture or loud daydream with tons of plans for the "next project" that will either never get done, or get half done, never to be finished. Instead he walked around the car, got in the back seat and proceeded to yell at me for the next 15 min about how "he does not have time for this" & "why did I call him(my husband) and not my sister or my niece". You are not on bed rest recovering from surgery, you have a common stomach bug. I feel like with every post, I am reading about myself. The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read. Maybe I'm just expecting a bit too much. OMG. Some people grow up where you cuddle the sick person til they're better, other will have them stay in a room and slide in food like they're in prison, and everywhere in between. They were on their lunch break at the time, and went back to work - taking the automatic transmission car and leaving me with the manual. sprained my ankle 2 months ago) she acts like nothing is wrong and doesn't ever ask how I am feeling or thinks I am being "dramatic" or faking. Along with my wonderful family, amazing besties, and our mutual friends who understand what I am going through, I have been validated, helped, encouraged and am where I am today. Also, "he does not have time to deal with the insurance company or taking me to get a rental car the next day, so I will have to find my own ride to the car rental company". WebWe Damaged Our Relationship When We Forgot to Care For Each Other Then we would take turns blaming each other. So WebSign #7: He doesnt ask you any questions about you and doesnt seem interested in who you are. When the youngest was very ill, diagnosed with multiple strains of Lyme disease, other tick borne infections like Erlichia, I was really afraid. It tends to be E>S in females, and S>E in males, and S>E in ADHD regardless of gender. It was your plan all along to leave me on my own, wasn't it?!". All I had to do was pay for the meal prep, and pick up the meals. Love, to me, is caring about the welfare of something and wanting to put in the effort and time and attention for it to grow and survive. We havent heard from you in a while, and Im hoping you are ok. Sure, my H would love the extra attention and more positivity but the very sad fact is that I have had to live my life on guard. I only wanted to make things easier on myself, for three nights a week. WebNow I'm going to get sick! I WISH I was kidding. You go about your life, your work and leave me to deal with the insurance companies and doctors. Do you think you can suggest implementing some of those changes without it dissolving into a fight? out of the basement and towards you) and that ADHD symptoms are poorly managed. There's definitely a disconnect. I had to step down onto the patio from the back door. There is no reason under the son a man or woman should be second to anyone when it comes to survival in health, shelter or love period. Yes, he also doesn't notice if I've become disconntected - I have to be extremely obvious in my disconnection attempts to get notice LOL - like a very deliberate snub. Always. This goes so deep. That's just I was still in therapy and my therapist, who is a mutual friend and took me on pro-bono, helped me so much to rebuild my esteem, stop being co-dependent. If you talk about how he's not connecting with you and that's disappointing to you, the issue is HIM. That's not even in my nature. Okay, WE?? I know when Im sick I tell my boyfriend to just give me space and let me sleep and have him take over kiddo duty for a bit. Yeap. But, again, that is in the "now", but what about the "not-now"? It appears you entered an invalid email. My A-Hole ex Husband was a jerk to me when I broke my foot the year before we divorced. I do believe he is plagued internally by his demons and if I can't show compassion and let go of resentment, I would surely hate him for marrying me. Like so many of the other posts, writing this post and sharing my feelings is very therapeutic. That takes some effort, but is doable by almost all. Other times? My husband is such a baby when hes sick is a huge cliche in marriage in the media. Duped again. I guess what i m saying is although the strategy may have a great chance of success for some, there isn't any upside in my case. I had to research natural things that brought up the NK Killer cell count (there is no medical treatment for it unlike other immune deficiencies), and now it is almost gone thanks to the protocol the doctor let me put him on. There's a few things that are scaring him, and he is right to be concerned. It makes your partner retreat - the opposite of wanting to connect. No wonder folks with ADHD have built up some walls. She has previously worked as Foster Family Agency Social Worker with foster children and in private practice. Acknowledge the wrongdoing. Describe what you did, and why it was wrong.Promise not to do it again. Mean it.Ask for forgiveness. But you dont care. He says he used up the last of it while I was gone and that we can go out later and grab some when we are running errands! Best of Luck to you all and I look forward to reading your story. My wife wants to be left alone, and I mean ALONE. That is when a person is the Anyway, I got way off track here. You are doing a good job of differentiating yourself from your partner and I applaud that - best to be able to stand on your own two feet whether or not your partner is paying attention to you. Yes, I agree, and am in the same place. Don't misunderstand me - I get it. Do you notice periods of lucidity between the bouts of rage? If your betta lives in an unfiltered setup youll need to completely change his water and clean his tank weekly. And when things happen to the kids the "mom" is always like I didn't know he would do that to our kids and abuse them even though I did. Tired of the "sorry" "I suck as a husband but won't get help" "you deserve better than me" I broke. So many of the situations seem so crazily familiar. However, I work andtake care of the house and the kids. Talking to a friend may be helpful, but you might also consider discussing your feelings with a mental health professional. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Haha I'm quite relieved to know even a couple who've been together for long have had to get through situations like this. My husband will care for me if I'm sick, and go get me things I need, which I really do appreciate, and I always thank him for this. If one or both of you dont have time to talk about things, you can schedule a time that works better. I understand what you mean. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. I started treatment and with the antibiotics and things you get sicker before you start healing. If this happens once, it may not be a huge cause for concern. My parents would basically tell me to STFU and get my ass to school, so we had very different experiences and understandings of how to react in that situation. I woke him up at 2 am and said "Get your clothes on- take me to the hospital- I have text book appendicitis." He is scared about his health lately. Well, yes, I have an Autoimmune condition that causes it. I gotvery sick from what I ate. My husband didn't help me with anything around the house. Maybe she doesnt even realize shes doing it. I grew up in a house where you were basically quarantined when sick. The next morning I woke up with chills and a fever of over 100. Once shes mad, the first step to resolving it is by me apologizing. My cough doesnt produce anything other than an exsmokers clean up. We are at retirement age, but will never GET to retire. I come first now. I could barely limp about and it was rapidly getting worse. Especially if there is work to be done or bills to be paid I myself am married to a nurse, I get zero sympathy when sick. WebA female reader, aunt honesty +, writes (19 November 2011): It doesn't mean that he doesn't care. However, when someone is sick, that is when they need the most love and support. NOTHING HELPED. Several years ago they broke their foot (minor avulsion fracture) by twisting their ankle, requiring several weeks with a boot and wrap to recover. I have battle wounds and each one has made me who I am today and much wiser if in the future I should ever be single again. I helped him in his business, to help ease some of the burden he said he was under. Everyone, strangers and those that love and tolerate him see an issue. WebBy sick, I mean a minor cold. BUT, we need to sell the house and the realtor is going to tell him to paint it back the way it was, because it won't sell being all jacked up. (he can't) He pinches pennies, in trying to fix something that he's usually broken himself, but then it ends up costing us double or triple in do-overs. He lovesfamily when they are joking with him, but not if they need him. WebMaybe he's the kind of person who doesn't want to be bothered when he's sick. WebNo, that's not normal in a loving marriage. Jan 14, 2018. I was recovering from major surgery ~ he saw it that I had 6 weeks off from work! You never falter. That's life. (Daddy issues?). Bottom line? I like what Melissa said earlier, about becoming the person our husbands fell in love with. And here is my confession, for I fall short of a Marvel superhero. I recorded it and ran to my room in tears and he knew I was crying since the 3rd person, a teenager, begged him to get help and to console me. Have enough respect without ego to treat yourself with a non-toxic man or woman. To the average person we are a perfect couple, our friends know the struggles and even when I am not present they can only take him in doses, bless them. If I could boil down the difficulties, it really does come down to lack of love as you described. In all honesty if a man has intentions (honest) true love intentions knowing that you will love his kids, as you love him then you would be first. When my husband found out he was angry and said " I can't justify spending that kind of money. | When I'm sick no one asks what I need to make me less miserable. He refused to tend to me as I was going into shock. Now I see, and now I can and will be your Captain Marvel. I daze into the sunset and really feel lovefor that moment. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 08:18. When you find out your spouse is seriously ill, its natural to feel overwhelmed by fear and confusion. There absolutely is an empathy and emotional disconnect which fuels this, and without that empathy the rest of the ADHD partner's response is heavily coloured. Whichever it is, I wasted most of my life trying to make something work that couldn't. He stormed up to me, angrily, shouting WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? I do this sometimes. I was about to turn 40 and here I was watching a grown man turn red in the face, speak horribly to himself for a broken scraper. No excuse on either side. I don't think there is a way to forgive things like this. I was "out of commission" for 6 weeks. Follow this journey on Living Without Limits. He doesn't want to connect it with his choices of not doing relationships very well, if at all. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. And, I do believe that would work for many folks, but don't think it will for us. I don't believe the behavior is intentional in my case. Because in his mind, I'm supposed to be taking care of him.not the other way around. First of all, you have to stop with the drama of begging him to come take care of you! Or begging him to drive you home. I can understand mentionin Kathy woke-up startled to hear her phone ring so at 5 am. If I am not in his presence at the moment, I am not on his mind. After my surgeries, I couldn't do ANYTHING. Yep. And, when I'm not 100%, then he's not being cared for. This marriage has changed me, first for the worst and now finally for the better. Being intrusive and obnoxious so my partner would pay attention to me. I used to do the same thing. How would he manage without me, his Bandaid? Some otc antacids helped. His brother was paranoid-schizophrenic, diagnosed at 18 and died a few years ago from drug addiction. I was hospitalized for 3 days after that since I was infected by the local food and I was pregnant. I agree his kids should come first. Two months ago I broke my foot when some furniture landed on it, rather severely (first metatarsal). There's lots of reasons he may have decided to not come over, and 99% of them aren't the selfish stuff you're thinking of. You should probably be checked out by a doctor. Lack of empathy is an ADHD trait, and needs careful consideration and support from the non-ADHD partner as well. Which to that, I feel he used me to have someone to marry and to love HIM, but he knew he wasn't going to return that. So if you want to connect, you will likely be the one to have to bring it up. I will keep that in mind. Its an open concept house and he's painted the walls all different colors, but again, half done. You are not important. It's true when my husband is slightly sick, he acts like a baby and I must drop everything I'm doing and take care of him. I am married for 10 years late in life now 60 ..and moved to Spain after 18 months I took the real flu I was in bed for 6 weeks with only sips of w It was horrible since I did it secretly. Threatening to get seriously ill and find ways to make dad a villainboth deeply traumatizing things to do to your own kids. Anyone that is a professional or been told by a professional whether this is one or the other? He went to the session and was diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD. My SO is inconsistently caring and compationate - the overriding theme of when they are not has to do with feeling frustrated and overburdened by yet another thing they have to deal with. Being romantic just to get sex will be seen as manipulative. And now that I have, I have a new perspective. That is not an ADHD trait as far as it is with me? When you marry, the two working, bill-paying adults in the house should set the important stuff togetherlike budget, schedule, vacations, house rules. That put yourself in these situations and then wonder why things happen to you. Please ask around or ask someone in your family to get online and see what public options are available for you- to either improve your eye sight or get back to your home country. If you are in the full The sad part is that I do know him very well ~ I call him "Captain Predictable" because I know Exactly how he is going to react to a situation. WebMy (soon to be) ex wife had little sympathy whenever I was sick, and honestly it really sucked. Being Married to Someone Who Doesn't Care. Maybe he's dated someone like that. He loves, smoking, drinking, games, cars, machines, jokes and flirting. He sees the painted parts and not the unpainted parts, because to him this is a lot of work. I can not tell you how much I can relate to you and everyone else that has posted. Award-winning bookBuy paperbackBuy KindleBuy audiobookFree chaptersMore info, I just got back from a trip and most likely caught a cold from someone on the plane ride home. I couldn't handle it. After all, when he is around me he can make me miserable by extension of his bad mood. Do I wish that were not the case? WebIt is not a crime to not care for a spouse when they are sick. So I've (40m) been married ten years now and I love my wife (40f), but she has the most annoying behavior pattern whenever I am sick. We don't have kids yet. He will do things like say "You are not sick!!" My H, and many others, expect love, support, attention and all the good stuff without being self aware enough to understand that they are not giving it in return and become very angry when it's not provided. Otherwise I think you need to stop acting like a child when sick. Then he kept telling me I was going to be alright. He told I just had the flu and went to bed. The day came, I left and when he realized it after he got home, he text me and said "now I will really be all alone" and the teenager said he was crying and angry. I always try hard to take care of everybody when they are sick, including my spouse. He is so sick and depressed. So it's easier when you can say, "ok 20% sucks if I let it but 80% is fabulous". That's absurd. I was a great person to be around but the lies hurt and changed me. Yes my H also has ADHD, but it's not ADHD that causes his horrible behaviors, particularly when I'm sick/injured. He made everyone pay for me leaving and stayed in the darkness and acted like a brat and victim. But at the end of the day if it is really bothering you well then you need to talk to him about it and tell him how it made you feel. I do believe the process may work if it s just adhd or adhd lite and there aren't significant co morbidities or emotional, physical or substance abuse and life is stable otherwise, ie no major financial complications. I was in bed all day too weak to get up and walk let alone do anything else. I like the don't be upset if I pull a you on you comment. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 09:54. I was trying to do something simple. "The unexpected" threatens their sense of fragile balance. It wasnt until recently that I found my voice. He called me unsubmissive and unchristian.