But even as we try to coparent I dont think he fully grasped some of the damage he has caused and so I think I just need to close that door and pour my energy into things that are fruitful. I Think My Boyfriend Is Cheating I Been Having This Feeling For Sometime Now I Been Going Through His Phone I Dont See Anything But I Also Know He Could Have Deleted It Idk I Have A Really Big Feeling Hes Doing Something Behind My Back That I Dont Know About And Also Lately If We Are On Bad Terms And He Knows Im Hurting And Upset He Goes To Sleep With Out Fixing The Problem And I Be The One Losing Sleep I Really Need Some Advice. I no longer feel that passion or that I would give my life for him. Im 32 and have been with my bf for 7 years now. First, I congratulate you on your self-awareness. I found out two days ago that my girlfriend has cheated on me for a week for her coworker. And i really do miss him so much with all my heart and soul. I dont have specific advice for your friend, but maybe if you start therapy, it will give her reassurance that things can be better. But he doesnt want to give me another chance. Make some effort to plan things out I am working very hard on not talking about us ad nauseam and becoming friends again first. He didnt show it at the time but was discreetly trying to tell me that I needed to chill out. The problem is Im almost 38 He never asked me to go with him (we visit each other every 2 months). He felt that I condescended to him a lot, said the worst things to him at the worst times, and maybe the right thing at the wrong times, he does not feel I was supportive in the way he needed me to be when he most needed it. Plus, he no longer wears his wedding ring, he changed my name in his phone from wife, he doesnt like to go places together (ex: if he had to run to the store to get some bread and fruit. Despite my attempts, no progress towards strengthening anything was made today. You are on the right track. DrDeb, I should have stop him but I didnt. The issue is that he wants me to be fully committed and upbeat and in a happy place with this and Im not. But she has to want it too. We are both in our early 20s and I think Im too young to have this kind of stress in my life and so is he. I mean three months ago. Ive been trying to research these and understand him more. Now after 28 years of marriage he works with someone that he finds attractive. I called this wedding off due to his drinking and drug use. Can counseling help this situation or am I destined for a divorce? Apologize. I really appreciate your advice and maybe your right and its not love, but I think I wont know that for a fact until I actually just go to talk to him I know that sounds really desperate and classless of showing up at someones door but I think that is the only option I am left with. Sadly his friends did not like me I think it may be because they all smoked and drank and lived carefree lives whereas I lived a Simple Muslim life and he was fine with that actually we even talked about Islam on a regular bases. We want to grow old together and have the same goals in life but lately I have been questioning my love which makes me quite upset.I know deep down inside that we are soul mates. Mixed messages!! My husband ended up getting upset and coming to interrupt to put an end to it. We have two girls ages 5 & 9. My boyfriend was perfect. Dont let yourself follow their bunny trails. ive made huge changes to me! Meanwhile, one day a few months ago (I think while at therapy) she ran into a friend she hadnt seen since before we married. I went on a blind date. I have been playing professionally as a musician since I was 15 years old and have devoted SO much of my time and mental energy to improving and pushing forward as a musician. I cant get over the fact that he took me for granted when I have been nothing but good to him and accepted him with and love his child, unlike his ex whom he wanted to marry but she treated him like crap. So, yes, I answer but no, I dont always comment. That love is made of respect, admiration, trust, and enjoyment of who that other person is. Im in my head constantly, HOW TO GET OUT? All I do now is feel so alone and sad. He deleted mine too. I still love this girl and I want to give her another chance. Show them why something is the way it is. After talking with her and picking away to try to understand what is bothering her she has told me that she does not love me intimately anymore but she loves me as the son of our Father. Please help. That happens to be a bad idea but our society works that way. She is afraid just like me to leave each other and start over cause of AIDS and the thought of getting to know a person and hoping that they are not gonna cheat or be violent. Open with his communication with her. The next day we returned her step-fathers car, dropping it off at her place. Hi Dr. Deb, Follow the steps above and little by little she may stop being numb. I have dealt with his jealousy all these years and it is old I have given him no reason for his actions. There was never any abuse, cheating or major fighting in our relationship we just sort of drifted apart and life got in the way and we didnt focus on nurturing our relationship. of her cos im an artist I also keep having dreams He doesnt work I work 50 hrs + a week and take care of 3 kids. Im on a leave of absence from work until 6 weeks after my pregnancy due to anxiety. He knows that something is wrong. He started coming into my room (I had moved into my daughters room early on) to hug me goodnight. The more respectworthy observations you make, the stronger your trust will be in your spouse. Ive been able to rebound each time but it is interfering with our recovery. we have come to an ugly in pass where my depression and his drinking was out of control and hurting our family. Im at the point where Ive completely decided to leave him alone. He is being patient with me as I battle these emotions that he has created. She spoke to her mum asking if it was normal thing putting it towards wedding jitters. I just feel kind of numb most of the time. The few times I have seen her I dont get any feeling that she misses me at all. Anyone can retaliate. Promises wouldnt be enough. Ask questions about where shes been or what she wants to do next I sincerely hope you dont mind I posted a link to TEDH article. After a year, I graduated and had a great summer spending a lot of time with my girlfriend and seeing wonderful places all over the state. I made a very unhealthy environment for anyone to be around me and I kick my self today for having make the mistakes that I did. Stick to your values. I know that I have built up a forcefield around me out of fear and I have grown and realize that loving someone is a choice. Sit down and read new testament. If the love was real, then after say 6 months of real work on yourself you will be a different person. Hi Shan I lost the baby in April of 2013. There was a few weeks were it looked like could with things out but now Im not sure. Started doing activities with them and really enjoying myself. Ever since I caught them, she confessed and has been feeling very guilty. Im just sitting here typing this, and being numb at the same time. Inge van der Post Recommends: 1. GoodTherapy.org is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. he is pushing me away. And now? Before you can help her heal, the REAL question that bothers me is why you even cheated at all if you really love her. I just wish I could get over my own feelings. I can say that we are struggling right now. That hurt me deeply to hear that divorce was even a possibility in her mind. Duh, but I Needed Someone To Be there to complain to which I did. Im going to seek out an abuse specialist to help me make sense of all the controlling actions I make, but I will never stop loving her. I have been married for 19 years. Its possible for a person to make mistakes in life we all do- but if we LEARN from them, were better than we were before. Stephany I think that what you are saying is in some way like what Pauline was saying and my answer will be the same: For some reason, you feel insecure and feel the need to lie. Partner one fell out of love and no longer felt intimacy for a couple years. My Significant Other and I have been in a 3 1/2 year relationship. Be your true self and the right partner will value you and uplift your dreams and aspirations. She needs some help from the outside with this. How csn I win her trust back? i was exhausted by the fact that nothing seemed to change no matter how much i tried and i had so much on my plate, i was emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. I cant get angry or anything if she does something wrong because I feel she will want it to be over between us! When a person is having problems in his marriage is the WORST time to strike up a relationship. Was he just no longer interested in the marriage? Having to take that risk and live with that risk can be overwhelming to the point that our love becomes mixed with the occasional bout of hate. I do love her still but I am tired of back and forth. Im still stuck back at the moment you walked into his LR and he did not hug and kiss you and say to the other girl, Here is my girlfriend, Carmen. And why was she his wallpaper if she just came to visit his mother? However, right now I am in so much pain. He feels like he was also hurt when I travelled alone so he doesnt feel like he has to prove himself much to get me back. At the time the only way he knew was to leave. He took me at my word and is full of bitterness. We had sex again and started talking about getting back together. I calmly walked through & without anger, accusation or malice, asked him to please explain what was these bills were all about. Its precisely when we DONT know someone very well that we allow our imaginations to fill in the blanks. I should start off by saying that I have Borderline Personality Disorder and when I am not healthy, I can have great difficulties in having healthy intimate interpersonal relationships. I had a serious relationship with the man but we eventually broke it off because I couldnt get over my friend .. Wow. but he kept saying we would marry though he didnt mean it. A few weeks into our glittering happiness, i find out Im pregnant, from the one night stand He stayed with me knowing i was pregnant for someone else. I didnt want to risk losing someone else. How do you know when your in love?? Dr. Deb. She chose counseling and says that she wants to try and work things out. I do still love her and know she talks and is seeing other people and Im stuck waiting for her. I understand what he was trying to do. I keep trying to tell him that honestly that was not my true self and I can show him the true Maria. It seems to me that you have to take care of yourself right now. And he was even complaining that I was putting on weight! I went into this marriage expecting to be his partner but instead I began to feel like his burden. I still cry from time to time over the pain he has caused and I know he feels awful about it. She came home said good night to the kids. She ended up just blocking my number and refuses to speak to me at this point. I have been married to years about a week ago my husband said he hasnt been in love and feels like he never had the chance to no me so he isnt sure if we should stay together or go our separate ways I have been extremely mental abusive I dont understand why I was so blind to it no Im sorry and want to work it out the more I tries to get him to not leave the more mad he gets I told him I am here no matter what Ive been trying to be a better person I know I will be better what ever happens I happen to want my what ever to be him and me we have kids and Im not sure if my positivity is working he comes sees the kids every day but he can talk to me he gets shaky by me I just pray and keep on doing what I can I told him I can force him to stay but I have faith he will see me getting better is there hope. Is trying to be open just a bad idea? Yet, of course, there is an equal fear of being alone, so the couple sets up rules just like the one you and your hubby seem to have: dont leave, but dont be too close either. I almost never have any sleep. He has kids and I have a kid. After all, love usually means living on an emotional rollercoaster. I needed a wake up to realize that i was going down the wrong path, but I am honestly working on it. The pain the victims spouse feels is emotional and physical. When I said that I (his wife & her friend) had not known about their shared phone calls, she said that she knew about that too, but stated that I know your marriage is on the rocks anyway. I told her to leave & never attempt any communication with either of us or our daughters again. But he wouldnt give any terms or promises for the future. I realize that Im making this about me by even asking this question, and that I need to make this about him right nowwhat he needs to try and heal. Dr.Deb, He just says if I block her and she kills herself then I will never forgive myself I have never loved a woman like I love her, and I honestly dont think I ever will again. Since then, I have stopped drinking, started therapy, started exercising, and applied to an internship. This is also his first time alone, with no one to lay a shoulder on or talk to everyday, yes he has me to talk to but he says its not the same because once we hang up the phone hes alone again. I know that I will never stop loving her and in my mind, love is absolute. Mel, He ended up hooking up with another girl twice. Anyone can fight back. I felt like she was more important than meneedless to say we got into an arguement and he didnt have date with me sunday instead took her fishing. I had a regret breaking up with my boyfriend at the time because I was receiving attention from someone else and it was the attention that I was missing from my boyfriend. Why did he do what he did? He dun have a good marriage and thus treat me very good and lovingly.All these years with him, I always remind myself he is a married man and I cant get myself into this rs( relationship) . So I was dating a man I met online, for a year it was long distance. The results revealed that some of the same brain areas were activated in the two conditions. You have a lot of love in her heart. He didnt even introduce me to the girl as his girlfriend. So that is to your advantage as part of a couple: he would be a more mature and forward-thinking person. And i did this to him. I just want to move on I want to love again :(. No man should ever cheat on a woman and actually brag about it to her face. I asked is there still a reason for me to be here and keep trying, she told me she has no comment on that. My boyfriend was there for me the entire time, but after I recovered from my depression he just isnt the same anymore with me. THIS WOMAN IS OF STRONG CHARACTER AND FREE AS A BIRD BUT I FEEL SOME HOW SHE PERCIEVES ME AS CAGED.. Or have I become so lost, jaded, tarnished and hurt that my mind will not allow me to feel truth. Whether physical or emotional, affairs tear the fabric of a relationship. We have a son who will be 3 in august and a daughter who is 9 months old. i think i just wanted attention, after i was out of my home and lonely. Tells her about me. The worries? The friendship simmered down a bit over time. She hasnt asked for a divorce, and Im also trying to move closer to her and my daughter. In our last msg, i ask if we can be friends . And he said no that hell take it to his grave and that he will never accept my apology. Find a very good therapist, a person trained in systemic therapy who only does marriage counseling. it is so hard to get back from that hurt. But this means that you become vulnerable. It runs in his family, the one time we sought counciling they suggested it after the 1st hour, and when hes good hell even admit to the possibility. so he had sex with her the day after I left and times before I got there when I was feeling like things were off it was because of that. Im just ready to move on but I really really do love him. Perhaps she is not sure how to tell you its over? Despite this similarity, the two seem like polar opposites. I have never cheated on him, nor have I tried to hurt him the way he has truly hurt me. Three months after the disclosure, he was on his knee proposing to me & asking that we re-new our wedding vows & return to the church where wed married in 1976 to do so. It seems that an emotion with a high arousal effect can quickly turn from positive (love) to negative (hate). He was so patient with me the past year. He/after cold-turkey stopping the drugs & drinking turned him into a person who I did not know anymore, at ALL! i ask for meetup face to face , he avoided. He tends to not see his fault in things and blames me for our issues. With that being said I was very controlling, checked his phone/email/facebook constantly, I didnt trust him and every girl he associated with I said he was trying to get with her. So I was angry at myself and expressed it towards others. Am I being unreasonable to want the steps outlined in your article to be articulated by our therapist? She told me we were not together anymore and I should find somone else, I didnt want to but eventually I ended up in a one night stand after missing my train after the bar and sleeping at a new acquaintances house. Ive talked about this with him but he doesnt understand why Im doing this to myself. I will ask if I need helpand his parents had to approve the house we bought! There was a gorgeous movie I once saw in Chinese (I think) with English subtitles: Hang the Red Lantern (or something like that). My feelings arent there at all. I dont know why she didnt jump at the opportunity for divorce when I put it on the table. It seemed or I felt like it went from being ours,us,we to everything was his or my house type of attitude. I am so hurt by how he is treating me. I love this woman with every ounce of my soul. June of 2013, I had taken the physical abuse pretty far and had hurt her fairly bad. She said breakups are hard when you have kids, and her kids were still attached to her ex boyfriend, she had trouble telling them to move on. And you have to be on the lookout too, because sometimes they will appear to have changed on the surface but when you start to dig a little deeper you might find that really they have only stayed the same. The things he likes? 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